Radford Noone Research Service

climbing your family tree

Mighty Drofdar

Illusion and Reality: Manipulation as Currency and Being Grounded

 

 

Continued…….

 

 

push the boundaries with you.” I was really puzzled by this and asked him why that was. He said, “Because I don’t need too.” I asked him again why that was. He said, “Because there are no boundaries -- I can do or say anything.” OK I thought. Was that a good thing or a bad thing? It took me several days to process that one. The conclusion I came too was that yes Brad was right. He has no boundaries with me. He can say or do anything and it’s OK. Even if what he says goes in one of my ears and out the other -- it’s still OK.

He doesn’t have a need to manipulate the boundaries with me. He’s OK the way he is, and he has nothing to prove to me. The funny thing is that when he’s around me I see nothing but a respectful, very compassionate, and reflective young man. He’s always asking how I am doing and wanting to make sure that I’m doing OK at the prison. I know some of the inmates would wonder who I was talking about when I describe him that way, but that’s how I experience him.

What further put this into perspective was when I went home that evening and looked at my daughter who had just turned twenty. She’s a good young woman and always has been. She’s not that much younger than Brad. In my presence she treats me the same way that Brad does. It was amazing to think that maybe I wasn’t such a screw up as a parent or a prison volunteer. There are times I have wondered about both. Neither Brad nor my daughter feels the need to manipulate me. Our relationship is built on honesty and being upfront with our feelings and needs. To me this reflects that maybe finally after fifty years I’ve reached an acceptable level of emotional maturity myself. Perhaps without even knowing it, I demonstrate this grounding to those around me. I have no need to control Brad or anybody else. I just don’t have the interest, let alone the energy, and in return I get what I would have wanted if I had been trying to control and manipulate.

             Sam has given me many hours of contemplation and self-discovery. For this I love him dearly. However, I’m sure he wouldn’t appreciate my personal revelations at his expense as much as I do. He was not happy because the director had called him manipulative. I overheard him telling everybody at the center his story with the “how dare him” at the end of it. It made for great drama. When it came time for me to hear the story, I said, “Could he be right?”  I figured that it was a reasonable question because to some degree every man in prison is there because he was manipulating somebody, even if that person was only himself.

“What do you mean? Of course he’s not right. I’m not manipulative.” With a deep breath, I proceeded to try and help him unravel this one. This was not a private conversation, I knew everybody in the room was listening, even if they were pretending like they were busy doing their research. I knew that I had to stay in my truth and be compassionate. “Sam, if you’re a human being you are manipulative. We all are until we’re not.” He looked stunned and said, “What?” I continued, “You are human, I am human, we are all human, and that makes us manipulative at some level until we wake up and realize what we are doing. So you are getting mad at the director for telling you the truth about yourself. Then again, since that could be said about the rest of us also – welcome to the human race.” I thought that throwing the rest of the human race into the mix was not only fair but accurate. “I don’t see myself as manipulative,” he said. I could tell that he was exploring what I had said on the spot. Then I knew he was ready for the bombshell. “OK, you have spent hours telling everybody in the family history center how the director called you manipulative. So you’ve been trying to manipulate us into thinking that he’s the bad guy and you’re the victim here. So how’s that not manipulation?” All he could say was “Oh.”

             About that time the chaplain’s wife, who had been listening to the whole conversation, spoke up and said, “Dwight is right, we are all manipulative. I can see how I’m manipulative when I want something out of my husband.” Yep, the chaplain’s wife got it. In her case it’s the games that the majority of married couples play – until they don’t.

             Another of my epiphanies about storylines came in the form of Sam (again). He is a very nice man about one-third of the time. By nice, I mean the kind of person with whom you could potentially have a deep and meaningful relationship if circumstances were different. As we discussed his fascinating family history of circus and rodeo performers in the Wild West shows, I found myself drawn into how profound and really good this one-third of his personality really is. I really enjoy hanging around with this one-third of his personality. He also has one-third of his personality as an actor, and everyone around him is an object of his personal play. For this one-third of his personality, I remember telling him once, “We all have our faults. This includes the directors, the volunteers, the other inmates, and myself. Please don’t use us and our faults for your own entertainment.” To this he just looked sheepishly and said, “Thank you, I didn’t realize I do that.”

Then there is that last one-third of his personality that is just about as mean, nasty, and as irrational as they come. Fortunately, he saved that nasty third for either before I arrived in the door or for a day when I wasn’t there. I considered myself lucky. Whether he did that on purpose or not, or if it was just luck of the draw, I’m not sure. What I do know is that we all picked up the pieces and mopped up the mess regardless of when it happened.

             Sam recently had his parole hearing where he was told his next hearing would be in twenty-one years, and he is only in his mid-thirties. Utah has indeterminate sentencing. When men get news like that, it’s almost clockwork that an implosion is going to happen within a few months as the reality sinks in. Prior to Sam’s implosion, the parole decision provided the drama that Sam needed and wanted us all to get involved. His storyline centered around how unjust the parole hearing was. He told everybody about it. I remember when it came my turn to get the storyline. I listened very quietly and then told him that I was sorry. That was all I said.

             That obviously stuck in his mind for weeks, although he never said anything to me. In a private conversation, something came up about how I have come to see the world. I brought up the concept of non-attachment and letting go of what we can’t control. The words were beautiful as they came out of my mouth. They were so wise and so insightful it surprised even me! Then out of nowhere, POW, came the revelation as Sam looked at me in all my infinite wisdom with a shocked look on his face. What did I just do?  I wondered. He declared, “I now get it. I really now get you.” To this I just gave the stupid, and less than infinitely wise, “Huh…” look. He recounted that when he told me that his next hearing was in twenty-one years, I “acted like I didn’t care.” Then he went on to say that he “knew I did care” and that he knew that “I felt bad for him,” but my reaction had left him puzzled and unsettled. Then the principle of non-attachment came blaring to the forefront of my mind, where I finally consciously got it by seeing it through his eyes. It moved from my unconscious to my conscious mind, as I shared with him that of course I cared, and of course I felt bad for him. However, there wasn’t one damn thing I could do about it! In that moment it clicked, and we both got it at the same time.

             To attach to Sam’s manipulative drama would not change the drama one bit. There’s nothing I can do about it. I didn’t want to feed the drama. Whether I believe he was dealt an unjust blow by the parole board or not still didn’t change the fact that they gave him what they saw as just and fair, not only for him but for society as a whole. None of it was my concern, and to get involved would be to find myself manipulated. My concern was Sam sitting right in front of me in that moment and being concerned if he was OK. There was nothing more and nothing less to consider. In that moment I realized that by not attaching to how just or unjust the parole board was that I was liberated from the drama. I was free to be with Sam in the moment to take care of his needs then and there.

For me the profound aspects of prison manipulation is that it has taught me about compassion and being grounded to no small degree. If I stay grounded, then those who would treat me as an object, to get something from, usually stay away. Maybe I hold the intimidation factor over them. I have yet to fully understand that one. For the others, however, they’re upfront attempts at manipulation is simply them saying, “Will you love me?” or “Will you spend time with me?” or it is simply a lead in to what they really need and that is an ear and a non-manipulative conversation. The answer to all these unspoken questions is of course yes, and the guys know that too. Who doesn’t need that whether in prison or on the outside? Still when I hear in my mind “Dwight, can I manipulate you?” I just smile because it’s so perverted and so funny. It’s so real and so very honest. I just wish everyone on the outside I deal with were as honest as many of these men are with me.