Radford Noone Research Service

climbing your family tree

Mighty Drofdar

Daddy Will You Love Me Even Though I’ve Been a Bad Boy?

 

 

             I have found common themes in my relationship with the guys. One theme centers around trust and love. Once they decide they can trust me, the next logical step is for them to wonder if I will still like them after I know what they did that got them incarcerated.

             I was talking to another genealogist friend who volunteers at the LDS chapel services every Sunday, rather than in the family history center. She said that the guys will want to tell her what they did. In one case she just told the guy, “I know what you did. You stole a piece of candy, got caught, and that’s all I need to know.” The volunteer said in that particular case that the approach worked and the inmate was satisfied. I wish it were that simple. In her case, being a woman old enough to be the mother or grandmother to most of the guys, her relationship is different. In my case, where I take on more of the buddy role, I’m not given that luxury that she has just by being who she is. This volunteer and other female volunteers are allowed the luxury of “mothering” these men and helping them to see that they are worthwhile and valued. They can do this in ways that that I simply can’t because of who I am – a middle-aged man. It’s hard to be paternal when you may be only a few years older or younger than the inmate you’re conversing with.

I tend to get the raw and unedited things that women volunteers don’t. My relationship with the men certainly has some elements in common with the female volunteer. However, their relationship with the men reminds me of watching a chick-flick movie, whereas mine is more like watching a testosterone action movie. That’s the nearest I can come to describing the difference. Since I’m not a fan of chick-flicks (mention The Bodyguard and I’m running the other way), I think my relationship with the guys is just fine. Sometimes it just requires an extra deep breath here and there -- but it’s just fine.

             The common theme plays out differently with different guys, but the core idea is always the same. Once they want to tell me what they did, they are like five-year-old boys. There’s that look in their face screaming, “Daddy, will you still love me even though I’ve been a very bad boy?” It can rip your heart out.

             Marshall and I have had an understanding for a long time now. He’s actually about a year younger than me. He had never told me what he did that landed him in prison. His crime wasn’t something I thought much about. All I know is that I really like the man, and feel safe with him by my side, although he is a rough and tough, dyed in the wool, take no prisoners, professed Satanist. He and I have talk about his religious beliefs when it was appropriate, and he knows that I am cool with it. From what I can see he is always open and honest with me, and I believe that he believes what he is telling me. He is always very respectful of me. I have never seen that he ever tried to pull the wool over my eyes or attempted to manipulate me.

             When Marshall comes into the bat cave office, for me it’s like a breath of fresh air. He’s thoughtful and well spoken. He can also be very funny and silly. He likes to sit across the desk from me leaning his swivel chair up against the filing cabinets behind him. Although the desk separates us, I always have the impression that this man is comfortable both physically and emotionally. That in turn helps me to feel comfortable.

We were chatting one day about how the born-again Christians in the courtyard of Dog Block will give him a bad time about his religion. He said, “I hate hypocrisy more than anything. There is nothing that Satan hates more than a hypocrite. These guys will get religion on Sunday and then do what they want to do back on the block. It just drives me crazy.”  I had to remind him that it wasn’t much different in my world on the outside. He continued, “Yes, I realize that, but it’s still very frustrating for me. What makes me the most frustrated is that some of the guys will come to me and say that they are tired of LDS and they want me to tell them about my religion.” I didn’t see that one coming so all I could do was ask him what he says to them. “I tell them that they aren’t ready for my religion. They aren’t ready for the commitment that Satanism requires. I tell them that they are in prison because they didn’t live their religion in the first place, and I’m in prison because I did live my religion.”

I really had to wrap my brain around his comment. I’m pretty sharp on this stuff. However, his comment was so deep, so veiled, yet so on the surface ready to come out, all at the same time, that I was the frustrated one. Being unsure as to what he meant, I treaded into an area that I normally don’t because it’s totally out of my business. However, the conversation was obviously going in that direction anyway. So I figured I might as well plunge off the diving board and pray that the life guard was awake. “Are you saying that it was your actions during a Satanic ritual that got you busted?” He nodded in the affirmative. “OK, I’m still not sure what you’re talking about. What was the ritual?” To immediately blurt out the question and get it over with was the only way that I knew to deal with a topic such as this. “I don’t want to tell you,” he said as he looked down at the desk. I so desperately hoped that I had not overstepped a boundary. “I’m so sorry Marshall, I apologize. I didn’t mean to intrude on your life there. You owe me absolutely nothing.” This is the way I really feel. None of the guys owe me one thing. They don’t have to tell me anything that they don’t want to. He immediately shot back, “No, no, it’s not you that is the problem. I’m just embarrassed, and I’m afraid you will think less of me.”

Talk about ripping your heart out. Here was this rough and tough, take no prisoners, Satanist who can hold his own against born-again Christians and chastise people from LDS backgrounds for not living their religion, afraid of what I might think of him. In that moment, all I could see was this five-year-old Marshall sitting across the desk from me and saying, “Daddy, will you still love me even though I’ve been a very bad boy?” He was so vulnerable and so raw in that moment with his feelings. My heart went out to him. Of course I wouldn’t think any less of him for what he’s done in his past. At some level he did know that or he wouldn’t have pursued the conversation in the first place. What he needed from me was reassurance and for me to guide him as he crossed that emotional bridge from trust, into the demonstration of that trust that he had in me. This is hard enough for those of us on the outside. I can’t even imagine how difficult it must have been for him. We continued by returning where we began the conversation, and that was with his encounters with the born-again Christians in the prison courtyard of Dog Block. Here we began to cross the emotional bridge.

He took the lead as we crossed that bridge. “I don’t want to offend you because as far as I know, you might be born-again Christian. I don’t know what your religion is.” The fact that he would be concerned with me in this moment was just a little more than my brain could handle from my side of the desk. As I took a deep breath, I emotionally began to follow him where he needed to go in that moment. “You don’t know my religion because I know you will like me regardless of what it is. However, don’t worry, I’m certainly not a born-again Christian. In fact they wouldn’t like my religion anymore than they would like yours. I follow a spiritual path known as New Thought, which is found in churches like Unity, Religious Science, and Divine Science.” Much to my surprise, he knew what that was and I asked him how he knew and what he knew about it. “Well, I know that it’s a philosophy that takes a little from New Age, a little from this and a little from that.” That was close enough in my book. I commented that there are distinct differences between New Thought and New Age, however, the two tend to get mushed together sometimes by people. He acknowledged that he knew that also. Marshall is one well-read man I must admit.

“Well,” he began, “Since you were willing to open up to me, I want to tell you what I did as part of my religion that got me in prison.” I assured him that he didn’t owe me anything. To this he said that he knew that, but he wanted to share with me. All I could do was nod. Once he told me the situation behind his crime, he then expressed the damage that his crime did to people that he really cared about. He felt really saddened by it. Marshall had once told me that the Satanic motto was a version of; “Do what you will but do no harm.” I got the feeling that while at the time he thought he was practicing his religion that if he had been following his own motto it could have gone down differently. For me this was a perfect example of where wisdom and compassion could have balanced the situation out with clarity rather than be clouded by religious zeal. This has opened a lot of space between Marshall and me.

As I thought about Marshall’s tough exterior, I have to try and balance this out with the five-year-old Marshall I saw on the other side of my desk. His vulnerability and his williness to reach out showed so much courage and trust that I’m left speechless. In that moment, he wasn’t a Satanist, nor did any of the stories I could have told about that in my mind, even matter. He was just that little boy with so much hope in his eyes that I would still care about him as a person and friend no matter what he had done. Do I have that kind of courage? I really have to wonder about that one deeply.

As I think about his encounters with the other inmates who would criticize him for his beliefs, I can see that they aren’t going to take the time to dig under the surface and find that five-year-old boy. Then again, Marshall isn’t going to let them see that side of him either. From what I see, he and the born-again Christians are both wanting love and acceptance. In this need they are just like the rest of us on the planet. It’s just unfortunate that it gets lost in the theologies (whether born-again Christian or Satanic), ego, and the rhetoric. In regard to Marshall, it’s just a shame that people will try, judge, sentence, and execute him in their minds based upon what comes out of his mouth. He’s actually quite an endearing person with hopes, dreams, and goals just like the rest of us.

I believe the entire conversation that day with Marshall, was not about whether or not I’d “think less of him.” It was about whether Marshall would think less of himself if I knew his dirty little secret. He already knew that I’d accept him no matter what came out of his mouth that day. Yet, maybe he had to see it through my eyes. He had to ask my permission for him to start loving and forgiving himself in this area of his life. Only, he didn’t know how to ask it directly of himself.

There are certainly times when I can be that five-year-old boy across the desk asking, “Daddy, will you still love me even though I’ve been a very bad boy?” Let me count the times! Like Marshall, I think that I too seek out that safe person and unconsciously ask their permission if I can love me in spite of all my faults. There are times when I need my own love and forgiveness, and Marshall demonstrated that to me. I need to trust me, and then I need to be able to demonstrate that trust to myself. I have to cross that emotional bridge as much as any of these guys do. I think that perhaps we all do. Can Marshall find his love and forgiveness through the Satanic framework that he has come to understand the world through? Then again, can I find my own love and forgiveness through the New Thought framework from which I’ve come to see the world through? In this regard, Marshall and I aren’t that much different, and I doubt we’re that much different from his arch-enemies -- the born-again Christians. We are all just seeking to maneuver our way through the senselessness and tragedies of our lives, using whatever tools we can find along the way.

Our conversation ended with him telling me how much he enjoyed it. He said he feels like he learns more from our conversations that I do. I view it as a tossup. He ended it by stating that I have given him things to think about and that he needs to change his thinking in some areas. For that comment, I have no response. What I do know is that if the rough and tough Satanist can shift in his perspective in areas of his thinking -- then that gives me the courage to make similar adjustments when needed.

             How did I ever get to the point in my life where I could sit with Marshall the Satanist in prison and feel such compassion towards him? Stranger perhaps is how did I get to the point where I would look at him as somewhat of a kindred spirit? Part of this must have been my ability over the years to keep my eyes and ears open. When important stuff comes my way I don’t want to miss it or be so caught up in the chatter in my head that all I hear is myself.

The same day I that I met with Marshall, I also had a very similar conversation with Phil. I don’t know if something had happened during the week that I was unaware of that put the guys in a reflective mood.  Maybe it was because I had returned from an extended trip and I was being missed (I sure missed them). In the case of Phil, things went down differently, and this is what I would have expected from this young man. It was the same core theme as with Marshall, but approached differently.

Some months previous to this conversation, Phil had already come to the understanding that he trusted me. I thought that I had taken him over that emotional bridge as we discussed some difficult parts of his life. However, they were about his prison life and not his life before prison. I hadn’t given it a second thought what he had done that got him here. I felt as though our relationship was built on me helping him get through the prison experience while exploring his family history. Family history can no doubt be a source of strength as it provides a grounding and a context for why people do the things that they do. However, our conversations went in a direction that was somewhat new to me.

In his usual manner, Phil entered the bat cave and sat down across the desk from me so that we are facing each other. Sometimes he would lean against the filing cabinets, but often he would simply lean against the desk itself. I can see where the solidness of the desk would provide a comfortable buffer between himself and me. As much as I liked the guy, and as much as he has shared with me, he still had reservations about me like he did concerning the rest of the human race.

In particular programs, the inmates go to group therapy as well as individual therapy. It depends on the crime and what the state requires the men to do as part of the rehabilitation program. I never pry, but they sometimes tell me what their therapy programs are all about. The volunteers who have been there awhile can tell when one of the guys hits a particular point in therapy. As the volunteers will say, “They just become ornery, moody, and withdrawn as they try and sort through some very difficult feelings.”

In regard to Marshall, I told him that I have no doubt he plays with his therapist, by the simple fact that he’s so intelligent. He just smiled and said that his therapist has

                                                                                           Continued……..